Life is Complicated

Its been awhile
since I last wrote on my livejournal. I was reading through some of my past entries and I find it somewhat amusing that I keep having the same problems over and over. Basically I just give my heart away too easily. I guess my only saving grace is that I am smart enough to see when things just aren't going to change, though it doesn't stop it from hurting.
I made a list tonight of all the guys that I've had sex with up till this point and it's at 23 though I think there may be more. This makes me a little sad when I think that I've only been having sex for four years and so that sounds a little high. Half of them are guys I only slept with once, but the other half were guys I always wanted to like me. Every time I think someone is going to be different, they end up being the same asshole I've dated before. Thought this last one might have given me something extra before going back to his ex girlfriend. grrrrrr

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: postal service

After trying so hard to convince myself that the guy that I liked would never like me that way I really believed it. I was moving past him and it wasn't hurting anymore. Then he went and told me that he wanted to date me and I was so happy. But know I don't know how to feel. If three days go by when I haven't talked to him I worry that I won't hear from him again for a month. When I'm with him I feel myself trying so hard, harder than I ever did before. I really don't know what to do, I know I need to talk to him, but I don't know what to say. I'm feeling so bogged down by everything right know and I'm just so uncertain. And if things are straightened out in three weeks I'll be gone for two months and could lose him forever. I really just don't know

Another Round
It's true, things with Chris are very cyclical and I'm starting to think that it's a very wierd kind of fate.
So to start from the beginning.
On wed. I went to an improve comedy show for some extra credit for my theatre class. Now from the last time that I had seen Chris, which was before spring break, he mentioned that he was in an improve group preparing for a show in April. So of course I was expecting to see him, and see him I did. He put on a great performance and afterwards I (being myself of course) went up to talk to him and congradulate him. He was surprised to see me and he had a few of his other friends talking to him so I didn't have a chance to say much to him. Then on the way back to my dorm I sent a text message to him saying "I cheered for you the loudest. See you around" The see you around was to leave it open for him. I didn't want him calling back just cause he felt he had too and I was tierd of his hot and cold attitude. I had given up on hoping that he would come to his senses and date me.
So imagine my surprise when the next day he calls me up. We talk a bit and he tells me that lately he's just been in a funk and not sure whats he's been doing. He asked if I wanted to hang out so we went over to Moms to play pool. Of course he beat me all four times but twice I came really close. It always amazes me how well we just pick right back up where we left off and how much I enjoy being around him. So after pool we went and got some wine and brought it back to my dorm and watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was just all so familiar and comfortable and when the movie was over he left but not before kissing me goodbye since that just seems to be what we do.
So then I go home this weekend for a mothers day brunch and when I go home I always go to bed earlier, and around 1am on Sat my phone rings, waking me up. I can't find my phone till the call ends and I see that it was Chris. He leaves a message saying that he really wants to talk to me and that he wanted me to call him back. So since he sounded kinda desperate I call him back. I hear alot of noise in the background so right off the bat I know that he's in a bar which sets off warning bells in my head. He tells me that he's been doing some thinking and that he feels he should stop running away and stop denying what makes him happy, which esensially adds up to me and he goes through a list of reasons why we are good together. I'm mostly shocked and don't know what to day but I'm a little worried that he's drunk and won't mean a thing in the morning. So he says that he'll call the next day when he's sober and I'm not half asleep.
And low and behold he calls the next afternoon. When I ask him if he meant what he said last night he said that he meant every word. And so I said that we should do it, we should date.
And thanks to our stupid sceduals I haven't been able to see him since I got back but we have plans to get together tomorrow and I'm making sure that he takes me to Kingdom of Heaven.
So now I wait, I'm still a little wary but for once he used the terms date and exculsive so I think this might finally be it, though if he goes back on me now I'll never be able to take it.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: They Might be Giants

He's Just Not That Into You
Ok. I finally read it and wow! I can't remember the last time I felt so enlightened. I realized all the things I've been doing wrong that always gets me in trouble with guys. Starting right now I'm going to start looking for a new relationship. Well, not start looking exactly, but be more aware of guys that show an interest in me. I think I will actually stop 'looking' and just see what happens. I think lately I've been looking for the guy I'm going to marry with out realizing that I'm not even 20 yet and I have my whole life to see if I meet the 'one'. So for James who hasn't called in two weeks I say too bad for you cause I would have been a great catch. Yeah, I know he's busy but the book was right, it's not hard to take ten minutes to give someone a call. He hasn't even shown up to anime club so I'm just going to move on. However, as always, Chris posses a bit of a problem. I'm getting so frustrated cause every time I decide to let it go he does something that gives me hope. I've given up completly on the idea that we'll ever be a real couple, but what about friendship. He tmed me on st pattys day and called me tonight just to talk. argh! Part of me thinks of where the book looks down on friends with benifits situations cause it lets the guy have all the benifits of a girlfriend without the commitment, but I'm a young woman in college, so as long as I don't let myself get too draged in shouldn't I be allowed to express my sexuality. argh. Confusing, but I'm going to put sex with Chris on hold for awhile until I can figure out us as friends without benifits. I think thats probably the smartest thing to do. I hope.

But completly off that subject I submitted my paper of japanese kimono of the heian period to the History Journal here on campus. It could be my first chance to really get published. My first big step in an academic career and maybe a stepping stone into graduate school. But I need to get accepted first and I won't know for a week or two, I'm bursting with anticipation.

Current Music: AMV's

Boys complicate life
So tonight I have a date. Not with Chris, but with this guy James. Why? Because why should I pass up a guy who is deffinetly interested over a guy who may or may not be interested. Basically, since the fight sat night Chris hasn't called me. Even though he promised he would call the next night. Now while I know that he is busy he should have known that I was emotionally upset and that his promise to call was one he should have kept. So that got me thinking. He really is sweet and kind to my face, but we're not face to face a whole lot. Even in a friends with benifits kind of situation I expect effort or else that just means I'm a conveinent fuck and I refuse to be that. So when James asked me out what was I to say, that I had a boyfriend...no, so I agreed to let him take me out to dinner tonight. Why pine after a guy who hasn't shown that he wants a real relationship. So if he does call I hope he's prepared to hear all that I have to say. And if thats the end, I still know that I'm not compleatly undesierable.

Current Mood: optimistic

The Fight!
Well, its about 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Why? Because we just had a fight in our dorm. Not just a girl bitch fight, an actual guy fistfight.
It all started earlier this evening when we were having friends over to drink and play games. Chris was there and also a guy named Tom, who we all met before but I found out that he worked with Chris at the Vet Center (military, not animal) and they invited another friend, Evan, over. These are three guys that served their time in the military. Tom and Even were in active duty and Chris has even been to Iraq. Then our friend (though I won't be using that term anymore) Kevin who lives below us came up with a few of his air force friends and his roomate. Friendly banter between air force vs. mariene corps and army started, but to Kevin it started to be so much more. He and Tom were seriously arguing, past the point of being friendly. They were getting really loud and one of my roomates was trying to sleep so we were telling them to take it outside. They made it as far as the kitchen before the heat started again.
After repeatedly telling them to get out I went outside myself just to get away from it all. Chris was out there smoking so I just grumbled about idiot boys when I heard "Don't fucking touch my girlfriend"(which aparently came when Toms girlfriend stepped between them and Kevin grabbed her face and pushed her aside) I opened the door to see Tom punch Kevin and Kevins friends holding him back. I lost it and started screaming for them to get the fuck out of my house. I started pysically shoving them out the door (and someone spilled beer in my face in the process) and Chris managed to get them outside and was talking to them. We started cleaning and dumping out beers while they argued outside. Chris knocked and I went to let him back in. Kevin was trying to get in saying he needed his beer. I went out and told him that the party was over and I dumped his beer and that he should just leave. He got really angry and started yelling at me. Then something happened and I was pretty sure (though now I'm not) that he called Melissa a "Fucking Bitch". Thats when I lost control, I flung myself towards him and slapped him as hard as I could. Right before his roomate grabbed me away from him I saw the look in Kevins eyes. I have never seen a person so furious. His roomate and Chris got between him and me to protect me. Then I just started shaking. I haven't let out rage in along time and my body didn't react to it too well. For awhile afterwards I couldn't stop shaking and crying. But Chris was right there with me, though I'm not sure how I looked in front of him.
I don't really know what to do now. I'm furious at Kevin and I don't even want to see him speak to me or my roomates ever again but they probably will eventually. He was drunk and trying to show off his pride but he got to violent towards a girl and I think he may have gone after me if he had the chance. I think maybe I should try to go to sleep now and see what happens in the morning.
But I was really impressed with Chris, no matter what he held his cool and continued trying to talk everyone down, including me, right till the end.

Current Mood: pissed off

Back to the Beginning?
I have now come full circle with Chris. Well, I don't know if full circle is the right phrase but it's good enough.
It all started with the text message I recieved at 2:30 am on Sat. (though I didn't see it till around 9 or so) which said "Sorry for being the biggest asshole ever". My legs promptly gave out from under me I was in so much shock.
Thinking about it I figured that he had sent me a drunken text message. But the part of me that I've been trying to subdue that really likes him popped right back up. So I debated for about three hours (while going through a cleaning frenzy) about whether or not I should call him. Since I hate phone confrontations I decided that I had to go over to his dorm to see him myself. So I went over and knocked on the door. He answered and invited me in. I asked him why he sent the t.m. and he said it was because he felt that he treated me poorly so then I asked why he treated me that way in the first place. He said he didn't know why and that led into a disection of the "relationship" that we had before. We agreed to be friends and then we promply spent the whole day together. We just talked about random shit for hours then we started drinking wine and watching Star Wars. He had some dinner plans with some friends and invited me along. We had some great sushi and then he asked me if I wanted to see a movie. We ended up seeing Constantine (which sucked) because it was less of a date movie than hitch.
Then we went back to his place and finished of Star Wars and the wine. I had work in the morning so around 12 or so I said that I had to leave, he walked me to the door and while looking in my eyes asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted a good by kiss which he promply gave and I left.
Then last night we had a party and I asked chris to come over. It was so much fun we had so many people and so much beer and wine and everyone was smashed by the end. And it ended with Chris and I having sex, as it usually seems to. While not the most sexually gratifying experiance it did have something else...I was in control. I usually let the guy do most of the work though I am enthusiastic, but this time I was in control, on top, setting my own time, and it was a BIG ego trip.
Last semester after a night like this I would have been worrying about where this put us and what were we, but this morning I woke up confident and just letting everything flow.
And what do you know, he called me today for no other reason then that he said he would.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Counting Crows

Catch Up
Just because I haven't written anything in awhile I thought I would check up on myself.
Things are going on alright. School is great for the first time this year, especially since I dropped my California Cultural Class (though I do like the aliteration) and though my Egyptian class is extremly hard, its just to interesting to drop. And I like that fact that this time the teacher won't give me a 20 page research paper like last year.
Things are even going better with my roomates. We're hosting a lot of parties at our dorm so its fun to all hang out and I know when they're going out for alcohol. I still have to pay back Jen for the Corona. But tonight we're going to a pleasure party at Casey's. I've always wanted to go to one, I hope I can pick up some good stuff.
And as for love...well not so great in that department, I haven't even gotten a hook up since the semester started. It's really a blow to my self esteem that all the guys are looking at my new roomate and not me. But she does have that "one of the guys" vibe but also something that makes them see her as female. It's very odd and being an only child raised by my mother and sent to an all girl high school did not set me up well for being "one of the guys".
It's weird that I told myself that I wouldn't do any more one night hookups but I always find myself looking for them. I think its time I just stopped looking and let things happen
I also had a good laugh today. The water polo team has apparently started selling raffle tickets. Something I remember very well from last year as a good solid month of hell. To see them out there in the cold trying to sell made me glad once again that I'm not on that team anymore.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: none

The Beginning
Well I finaly got my answer today, and it didn't even cost me a phone call. I was heading out from Salazar to the gym to work out when I saw Chris walking towards me. I stoped and waited to see if he would notice me. Just as he was about to pass me he turned and saw me. He seemed startled for a second but then I asked how he was doing. Basically conversation was short and slightly strained on my part. Whatever conection that we used to have was gone, even friendship seems out of reach now. I'm not sad, I had alot of fun with him, but now I'm just letting go and seeing what falls into my lap next.
Only two of my classes had books in the bookstore. So I don't know if I'm going to have to go somewhere else to buy them or if they don't have books. But my cultural anthropology book looks really interesting and I've already read a bit. My civilization text is more of an ordinary textbook, a little dull but I'm sure the lectures will be great. I can't wait till tues to see how classes start. One of my friends from high school and last year, but I haven't seen her much this year, is in one of my classes so it'll be great to be with her again. And my Egypt class is going to be soo cool I just know it. I hope my theatre class is fun seeing as how it runs til 9:40 at night. If it doesn't hold my intrest I'll probably be asleep by then.
My roomates, or at least roomate, should be back tomorrow. I really hate the fact that I have to go back home this weekend. I mean, it's great that we're going to do christmas at the Hoffmans, but I just got back to school and I want to stay a bit before going home.

Oh well, I'm planning a nice hot bath since I worked so hard at the gym.

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Pearl Harbor Sucked- Team America Soundtrack

Still a Little Lonely
Well, I moved back in yesterday and was surprised to see that there wasn't that many cars. It seems the spring semester people haven't moved back in. Classes don't start till the 31st so everyone might be waiting for the last day of break to move back in. I'm bummed, I was really hoping people would be back and the campus would be busy. I don't have much work this week so I'll need to find things to occupy myself. I can see light commings from Ro's window and I'm debating whether to call him. It's been at least three months since we last had a conversation and at that time I think he was drunk. But just having my roomates in would be nice, the dorm feels to quite and I hear all sorts of noises from the other dorms. Hopefully The offices are open so I can get a new students ID, since I can't seem to find it. Then I can get into the gym, I really want to get back in shape this semester.
But most of all I want to find people who will truely be good friends. I don't want to keep fooling myself, just cause certain people are right in front of me doens't mean that they are worth so much effort,and if it's someone who's friendship I have to work for, I'll work for it. Since Casey left I've just kinda latched on to whoever was in front of me, not noticing untill it was too late that they didn't care or didn't need my friendship.
But I'm worried about guys. I am now fully paraniod that every guy that is friendly to me is hitting on me, no matter what he says. So now I'm worried that I shouldn't put so much effort into guys. Grrr. I don't know, I guess I'll just feel it out. Starting with Chris. He has one chance, and if I have any doubts or concerns about being able to be friends with him then I need to let it drop and move on. I have to for my own good.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Gin Blossoms

Upon the Conclusion of Witer Break
First of all a month and a half is too damn long for winter break. I'm bored out of my mind.
Now that thats out, I think this has been a possitivly shitty winter break. It starts of with Christmas Eve. Why was that day so bad? Cause my grandma was in the hospital and might not have been able to come home that night if her blood sugar haddn't gone up, which would have given us a repeat of last years three day late Christmas.
The Second was that I got sick. My throt hurt so badly and I couldn't stop coughing, still can't for a matter of fact.
The Third, I had to commute to work every week from my home to my school town two hours away. I was able to sleep in my dorm while I worked and it wouldn't have been so bad if there had been any heat. The heat and water heater were broken for about two weeks. Two weeks of freezing cold showers and getting to work by 7am.
The fouth and most recent is the speeding ticket I got the other day coming home from said job. Apparently going 80 in a 65 zone is something the cops frown upon, even if every other car on the freeways is doing the exact same thing!
Aaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And classes don't start till the 31 and all I want to do is get back to school, to my guy troubles and roomate troubles that really don't seem so bad after all this.

I am the sloth
I have reached the peak of my winter break euphoria. I can't take it anymore. I need school! I may tease Allie about my longer break (though hers is too short) but long periods of inactivity dull my mind. I'm actually looking forward to the days that I have to work cause it means I'm doing SOMETHING. And on Mon. I'm back in Santa Rosa for work and the bookstore at school is open and maybe I can pick up my new books. I'm learning the small pleasures.
But I should remember this period of nothing because it will all end soon. I have about 19 units planned for spring and I need to ace them all. I just got my grades back and they're too horrible to mention and my GPA has been sucked down dramatically. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Even in my anger I'm just passive. I sit here and type with no expression.
Well...on top of being lazy I am sick with a sore throat. I went out and played tennis with Keith which just made me alot worse so I napped and watched anime all day. And I'm sore from tennis too...I really need to get to the gym more often, I'm turning into mush, still thin, but mush, mush, mush thats actually kinda fun to say.
But I have church in the morning *sarcastic yay!* so I should get to sleep, and by sleep I mean toss and turn until I succomb to unconciousness.
night

Current Mood: sick

Freezing!!!
I know that I missed a Christmas and New year update but lets just say everything went well enough and move to the topic at hand. I hate Nor Cal weather. I don't miss the smaog and pollution and the overall "unlikablness" of So Cal, but god damn to I miss the heat. Yes I know that they had alot of stoms recently too, but it can't be as bad as it is up here.
First I leave from Allies house on News Years eve (day) to drive back to sonoma so I could go to work. So I leave and instead of going to the 280 I see the 1 and decide since it's right there it'll be faster. Unfortunetly I had about ten min. of cloudy weather before it rained like hell. I couldn't see very well and I was on a high, winding, mountain road next to the ocean. I felt like and idiot for taking it but there wasn't really a way to turn around. So scared to death I finally make it into the city where the rain desides to let up for the rest of the journey (thank whatever diety that controlls rain)
So I get into the dorm and its just 7:30 or so. THe first thing I notice is how cold it is. As I went to bed early I wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt and two pairs of socks...a combination I have never worn to bed outside of a snow covered Tahoe. So I decide to go to sleep and take a shower in the morning to help me get up so I try to focus on sleep...but I have trouble because through two layers of socks my toes are still freezing and any attempt to add more layers adds to my leg paranoia. So I huddle and sleep, waking every few hours for no good reason.
The the morning comes and I start the shower, a few minutes later I walk in to check the temp...only to find it to be freezing cold. I wait longer and it is still freezing cold. So I have to make a decision, my hair needs washing for work, but going into the shower would probably give me hypothermia. So I take off my sweatshirt, kneel on the side on the tub and stick my hair into the freezing water. I wash my hair, trying to keep the water of the floor and the temperature out of my head.
And now after work and shopping I'm back in the freezing dorm and the tea kept me warm for only so long. I'm checking my mail before I dive back under the covers to watch more or my newly bought season 2 of OC (the last in stock) the only light shinning down on my horrible day.

Current Mood: cold

Revolation
Today while walking home from my 8 am geo final I realized something. I am an idiot when it comes to boys. It doesn't matter if their friends or boyfriends or who knows god what else. It all started on tues when Grant came over to watch anime (the first time I'd seen him since the incident) and afterwards when he was saying goodbye he started to cry. Now I was with this guy when he and his girlfriend broke up so I know this cry can bawl, and luckily he didn't (cause seeing guys cry kinda freeks me out) but he definetly cried. And I felt awful. He saw me as his best friend while I was plotting how I wouldn't be returning his calls.He told me that he knew he wasn't as good a friend for me as I was for him. Boy did I feel like shit. I don't think I've ever felt as bad about myself as I did then.
Then today as I said was the geo final, the class I share with Chris. I wanted to make sure I had the chance to say goodby to him. I came in at 8 but he didn't come in till 8:20 and he didn't see me, so even though I was done I looked over my answers till he was almost done then I turned in my test and waited outside the classroom. I was slightly upset since chris and I had plans to get together the night before but he canceled saying he had to study. I wanted to make sure that I said goodbye to him because I don't have any classes with him next semester and I wanted to make sure that I at least solidified the friendship before I went a month and a half without seeing him. So he came out a few minutes later and seemed surprised to see me. I told him that I had wanted to say goodbye. When I asked him how his finals went he looked awful, he didn't think he did well, so the conversation was alittle dead. Then at the point where we part ways we wished each other a good break. I was going to ask for a hug, but he hugged me first. But surprisingly it didn't make me feel better, I just felt detached.
So on my way home I pondered my guy problems. I started thinking about chris#1 and thinking about how I gave up such a perfect guy. But I don't want chris1. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to get it. Then today I was flirting with this guy who wasn't even cute just to boost up my self esteem. I feel I've sunk very low and I don't know how to get out of my guy rut. I keep telling myself I don't need a guy and I know it...I just really want a guy.

Current Mood: pessimistic

New Look
Today I got my hair cut, and it freaked me out. I was only gonna cut two inches off because I had split ends. So I went to the salon my friend had suggested, since even my one back home had gone into missionarie work, and I really needed a new stylist. So I went and asked her opinion on cutting off more, maybe four inches or so. So we decided to do it and I pointed at a spot about two inches down from my sholders and told her to cut it up to there.
I wasn't four inches, it was more like six or seven and my hair really does look shorter. All I could do was stair into the mirror wondering what the hell got into me. But now I've gotten used to it and my roomates all say that it looks really good so I feel better. Plus in my panic driving away from the salon I called Allie and she always makes me feel better.

Current Mood: pleased
Current Music: none

Danny Elfman
Thats just the tittle cause thats what I'm listening to. His music is so hauntingly beautiful.
But anyway, this was a slow week and the only really good thing that happened was that I convinced my history teacher that I turned in my essay (when I hadn't) so she said I could reprint it and bring it to the next class, which gave me two days to type it. The essay was crap but even if I get a C its better than no credit.
Chris (yes I'm tired of the fact that he's on my mind so much) was sick so he didn't go to class on tues. So today I waited outside his class on Wed. to talk to him before he went in. But when he walked up he was with another girl so I walked away and I don't think he saw me. She was probably from his class but something about him just makes me act like a 13 year old/stalker combination. But I was doing just fine with guys before I met him and I can go back to that again. But just in case it doesn't happen right away, I want to know if we have the kind of relationship where I can call him up just for sex.
I don't think I realized how much I like the feeling of a boyfriend.

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Danny Elfman-Edward Sissorhands soundtrack

soooo tierd
It's 6am and I have a half hour til I have to leave for work. yuck! because I have the habit of hitting the snooze to often I usually set my alarm for two hours before my shift, which would mean I woke up today at 5 for a 7 o clock shift. But since I took a shower last night and did my hair it really only took me a half hour to get ready this morning. I could have been sleeping! But I think I got a good nights sleep. I tried to fall asleep at 9 so I could get 8 hours but my computer was on and my roomates were in the living room. They weren't being loud (actually they were quieter than usual) but our walls are paper thin and I could still hear them. I think I might have finally fallen asleep at 10:30 when I finally got fed up with my computer screen and turned it off, downloads be damned.
I want to go out and get something from the kitchen to eat but Melissa is sleeping on the couch. She has a friend over and since he thinks he's so tall that he can't sleep on the couch, so she should. I think it's bullshit, a guy should never take a girls bed and make her sleep on the couch. But I know since its a morning shift my boss will want to go get coffee and I can grab a muffin or something at starbucks, or I can run down during my break. I don't know how long I'm working, the schedual says till 1 but six hour shifts aren't normal and they usually happen at night. I know that a girl I worked with yesterday morning had a 7-1 shift and Carie told her it was supposed to be 11, so I really hope thats what happens to me.
Well, I'm off to go scrape ice off the car.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: none

Bleah
Right now I'm tierd and I think I'm getting sick. It started on Wed night but I figured that that was due to the amount of food that I ate, and Thurs I figured I was just hung over. But now its Sat and I still sometimes feel like I need to throw up (though I haven't since Wed. but I think that really was just eating to much food too fast) I don't know...I lost my train of thought.

So Chris hasn't called me and I didn't really expect him to. I don't know what I would have said on the phone anyway. And this way it makes things less complicated. At least I hope it does, because if we do start a friends with benifits kindof thing then how do I know when is a good night. Do I wait for when he calls me, IF! he calls me, or am I aloud to call him and say "Come fuck me" though I don't have it in my to actually say a phrase like that do a guy. I'd probably try to be subtle and when his feeble male mind fails to comprehend it'll probably come out as "Sex you idiot, I want sex"
So I guess I'm waiting till Tues when we have our test in GEO, so he has to come. And I'll play it cool and joke around with him like I always do and see if he says anything. If he doesn't I'll bring the subject up myself, but I don't want to do that. But I don't think he'll say anything, its not his style
maybe he hasn't called me cause his friends still in town hmmm.
Shit, I don't know.
must not complicate
must not complicate
must not complicate

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Christmas Songs

Hungover Wednesday- Rated R
Wedsday is not usually my night to drink. It's usually my night to watch Lost, and West Wing, and Drawn Together, then go to bed early(like 12) cause I have class in the morning.
But on tues I went out with Chris to breakfast and he mentioned that his friend from the military was coming to visit and that one night during the week they were gonna be drinking at the dorms. Figuring it would be during the weekend I told him to call me and I would go over and hang out. It ended up being last night, and the call came at 10:30. I was just cnsidering the thought of getting ready for bed and watching adult swim but the temptation of alcohol and Chris was too tempting. I wanted to show Chris that I could hang out with him as just a friend and that we could still have a good relationship without being romantically involved.
Well I was wrong...
Because we slept together...
And I spent the night.

After three pretty strong red bull and vodkas I was plesently drunk and building a pyramid out of the guys empty budwiser cans. Chris was focasing more on Trent, his friend, then me and I accepted that because I'm not an attention hog. But reallly later on that night I was coming out of his bathroom and he caught me in the halloway. He put his face close to mine and I thought he was just playing around till he kissed me. At first I kissed back but stoped and asked him if he really wanted to take it to that level again. We ended up talking on his bed for awhile about how we were both afraid of the relationship that we had had turning into something serious. When we both realized that neither of us needed something serious and it could just be friendship and sex, it turned into sex pretty quickly.
There are two things that happen when a drunk guy tries to have sex. The first is that he gets soo drunk that he can't get it up (which happened to me once ) Or the guy can keep going and never get off. The latter was what happened last night and I've never gone so many rounds. I felt bad that I was too exhauseted to continue and he still hadn't gotten off but he was sweet and told me not to worry about it.
So then I tried to sleep. In total I probably only got 3 hours because I kept waking up. I just can't sleep in a twin bed with another person, and my constant moving arouond kept him up alot as well. I felt bad for his friend who ended up passing out on the chair.
Then there was the 9:30am walk of shame past the roomates already up and playing video games. He didn't hug or kiss me goodby so I guess its back to being friends till we feel horney again.

Current Mood: lethargic

killing time
I have a hour till class so I think I'll recount the situation that happened last night.
Tuesday night is the night that grant and I get together to watch anime if we're not working, which means its not that often. After finishing about 5 more episodes of Saiyuki and a bowl of cheese tortilini with pesto, I asked if he wanted to watch more. He said that he was tierd but that he wanted to talk to me before he goes. Since my roomates were in the kitchen I brought him back to my room (which desperatly needs cleaning) and we sat on my bed and I waited.
And he told me that he felt chemistry between us. He said that since the beginning of the year he felt it and even though he was leaving at the end of the semester he needed to tell me and see if I felt the same way.
I don't know how the hell he felt there was chemistry. He asked me last year if I wanted to be friends with benifits and I turned him down. He likes to touch girls sexually (as a joke but most don't take it that way) and always makes sexual jokes that I hate and always tell him to stop. I had to set up a line of rules(which he constantly breaks even though he says he's getting better) about how he can act around me...and he thinks theres chemistry. You don't talk to guys you have chemisty with about other guys your having sex with, you don't tell guys you have chemistry with about problems with birth control. I don't know how blind he was to think that I felt the same way when at several points in our friendship I told him that I didn't want anything more.
So I told him gently that I didn't feel the same way and all I ever felt was friendship.
I really don't know if I want friendship anymore either. He tries really hard to be a good friend and last year he was really the only person I had at school. But he is just so socially dumb and he really doesn't understand me at all. When I'm upset he'll do stupid things and make stupid jokes because he doesn't like seeing me sad. I don't want that, I want to be able to be upset for a little while, I don't want to go smoke weed with him so I'll forget whats bothering me, all he thinks about is how HE doesn't like seeing me that way, its all about him not catching my sadness.
But now I'm just ranting.

hmmm

I don't know what to do but hes leaving in a few weeks and I'll never see him again. I'll probably call once or twice in the first month but then I'll let it drop. The thought of me doing that makes me feel kinda cold but even if I did try to keep a friendship going it would fail in the end. My friendship with Allie is so strong that I don't have to worry about that but with people like Casey, Garett and Ben, even if their good friends I have trouble remembering to call them on a regular basis. So for a person whose friendship I'm doubting it doesn't stand a chance.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: J-pop

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